So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
