i just wanna soil my oats bro
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
