My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize