Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
