I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
