Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
