We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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