why didn't you poke me back
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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