Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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