Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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