Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
