Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Pants are for mortals
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
