You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Randomize
