i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
