This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
