I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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