I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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