Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Never let your siblings swipe right.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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