Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Sorry about my life...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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