and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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