you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
