I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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