i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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