i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
