Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize