my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
