Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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