Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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