Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
