She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
