note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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