I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
