Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
