There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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