he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
