I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
