I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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