I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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