Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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