Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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