he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
