Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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