I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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