you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
