I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize