Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
