Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
