if only i could text you this smell
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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