I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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