you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize