You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I wish there were birth control emojis
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
