you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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