i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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