You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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