Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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