Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
