what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
