I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
