Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
