hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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