There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
