i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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