So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
either way he was missing a nipple.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If I die, sorry about rent.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
